#flipthescript 13: Healing & Hope for an Adoptee

This week I am featured on Lori Lavender Luz's adoption blog: flipthescript series, where she again talks about my memoir along with some recent legal updates concerning the upcoming date in January, 2017 where adult adoptees born in New Jersey can have access to their original birth certificates. Original birth certificates in the state of New Jersey are currently still under lock and key. Click here to read and go to Lori's page.

Adult Adoptees in NJ will have access to their original Birth Certificates in January 2017!

It's finally going to happen for adult adopted individuals in New Jersey-access to our very own original birth certificate.  Even though I am in reunion with both my birth mother and birth father for over twenty years, I still do not have the legal right to view or access my own original certificates that pertain to me-my life, my own birth. That is until this January!
Although I haven't been the biggest fan of Governor Chris Christie, I will say thank you from the bottom of my heart to him and the NJ state legislature for passing this bill. I am deeply grateful to them for allowing adult adopted individuals to have the right and the dignity to obtain their own personal records.

For those adopted in NJ here is where to go to access your own original birth certificate:

http://nj-care.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/reg-41-newjersey-original-birth-certificate-application.pdf

Once you downloaded and filled out the form, mail to:

Office of Vital Statistics and Registry
Adoption Request Unit
PO Box 370
Trenton, NJ 08625-0370

You need to include two additional things:

• Proof of Identity (acceptable forms of identity listed in in the instructions section of the application form)
• $25.00 check made out to the State Treasurer of New Jersey

Thank you New Jersey!!!!!

Reviews Needed!

Its been a while since I last posted and a while since I received a review for my memoir. If you feel so inclined, please leave a review on either Amazon or Barnes & Noble or on GoodReads, all are welcome and much appreciated :)
Will be posting soon about the upcoming date when New Jersey born adoptees will finally have access to their original birth certificates!!  Woo hoo!!

Ohio set to open adoption records sealed for 50 years

Way to go Ohio!!!  I wish New jersey went into effect this quickly, I have to wait until January of 2017 to request my original birth certificate.  Hope all those adults adopted in Ohio receive the vital information they are searching for...
Click here to read the article

Apart at the Seams Book Tour

Great story-line, wonderful characters....

What a delightful read. This was the first book I've read from Melissa Ford and the story had me so engrossed that I'm looking forward to reading the companion books to Apart at the Seams.

Melissa’s writing quickly draws you into the life of the main character, Arianna, who is a single mother by choice who juggles motherhood, her career in the fashion industry and adjusting to the recent move of her boyfriend into her apartment. Arianna wants to remain single and independent despite pressure from her boyfriend to marry. In addition to being overwhelmed by the demands of single parenting while trying to advance her career, she meets Noah who seems to be the perfect fit for Arianna. They both share similar interests and similar views about marriage leaving Arianna to question her relationship and comparability with Ethan. The story seems predictable at first, and I found myself rooting for Noah along the way, but surprisingly the ending turns out to be much different than what I expected. 

• Arianna tells Rachel, "I think there are people we should be with at different stages in our life, and maybe those stages stretch on for fifty years or maybe they're over in a few months" as a reason for not considering marriage. Do you think not knowing the span a relationship may last is reason enough to not commit completely?

I don’t feel that Arianna has problems with commitment. At the beginning of the story, she asked her boyfriend to move in and planned on being in the relationship for the long run. She wants to have a significant other in her life sharing living space, day to day life and all the responsibilities that come with it. To me that is committing completely. What I feel Arianna has problems with is the institution of marriage.  Just because you get married does not guarantee a long committed relationship. The divorce rate in America is over 50% and many marriages end before the third year. Arianna is a mature, independent woman who can survive on her own with or without a man. I feel this sense of her independence has led Arianna to feel that she doesn't need a piece of paper to feel committed to a relationship. Her life experiences of living and working in the City and being a single mom contributes to her desire to remain committed to a relationship without the need for a legal document. 

·        

•   It feels as though Arianna would become irritated with Ethan for not doing things she needed him to do yet she often wouldn't verbalize clearly what it was she wanted or needed. Why do you think asking for exactly what you need makes you feel so vulnerable?

I got a sense that Arianna wanted Ethan to know what to do on his own and do it without having to be asked. This is the age old dilemma between a man and a woman living together, whether or not they are married. Many men feel that their partner will automatically clean up after them, pick up the dry-cleaning and clean the toilet bowl every week. If you don't ask them they won't do many of the household chores on their own. As I was reading the story, I wanted to tell Arianna to just tell him what to do! I hate to give all men a bad rap as some men do figure it out on their own and automatically help out without being asked but from my own life experiences and the experiences of many women that I know, men need some nudging. I got a sense that it wasn't because Arianna felt she would lose her independence by asking Ethan to help out, but that she was just irritated that she had to tell him what to do in the first place. I felt frustrated along with Arianna.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at LavenderLuz.com.http://lavenderluz.com  

Christie signs Adoptee Birthright Bill!!

It's official, yesterday NJ Governor Chris Christie signed the Adoptee Birthright Bill which will give adult individuals who were adopted in New Jersey access to their own original birth certificate. Access does not start until 2017. Christie wanted to give birth-parents time to contact the state if they want any identifying information removed for their privacy.  What a great compromise! I am so happy and so looking forward to actually seeing my original birth certificate.  What do you think about this new bill?

Kindle Available again!

Wow, Amazon fixed that bug very quickly, very thankful to them for such a quick response.  Memoir is back up and available on the Kindle Website.
Spring is finally here in the Northeast, it's been a long, cold Winter but warmer days are ahead.
Have a great Day today and Happy reading all.

Kindle Version down for a bit

Was just informed by Amazon that it may take up to 2-3 weeks to get my memoir back up and available on the Kindle version on their website.  They are having some technology problems. In the meantime it is still available on Nook (can download Nook app to all devices) and on iuniverse.com for their e-book edition.

Have a great day and Happy Reading!

The ACLU-NJ and their views about adoption

The ACLU-NJ, who opposes the Adult Adoptee Birthright Bill claiming that birthmothers were given the expectation of anonymity. In response to their position, to Carol Barbieri, who last week gave her opinion on how she feels the ACLU is wrong with their stance against this bill,  the ACLU lawyer responded yesterday at NJ.com.  Click here to read the post. 

My hope is that all adult adopted individuals in New Jersey (as well as all states) will have access to their own original information.

Please visit the webpages at NJ.com and please leave your comments on this issue.  Carol's original post can also be found at NJ.com http://www.nj.com/opinion/index.ssf/2014/02/aclu_is_wrong_on_adoptees_birthright_bill_opinion.html

PEAR, non-profit group dedicated to Adoption Reform

Ethics. Transparency. Support. What All Adoptions Deserve

PEAR stands for Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform.  I happened upon their website this morning and agreed with their statement regarding their view on open records for adult adoptees. With New Jersey once again moving forward with the Adoptee Birthright Bill I felt their statement worth noting. I copied and pasted their statement below:

Open Records Statement

PEAR supports unrestricted access to birth records for all adults adopted as minors. We do not believe any citizen should be discriminated against by removing the right to obtain their personal, official documents. We oppose the imposition of contact vetoes, court orders or third-party agency interference with an adoptee's right to access his or her original birth certificate.
Adoption should be about the formation of a family for the benefit and best interests of children, not the destruction of identity. As an organization we will support clean legislation submitted in any state that seeks to achieve the goal of opening records

Definitely an organization I will be looking into.

Poll: Should NJ pass a bill allowing adopted people to obtain birth certificates?

Should New Jersey lawmakers pass a bill that would allow adopted people to obtain their original birth certificates, revealing their biological parents' identity?  NJ.com posted this poll today asking this question. Please take a moment to vote.  I just voted...Yes, of course!!!

Twins separated at birth..Reunite!!!

Had to share this story about twin girls separated at birth.  One was raised in France and England and the other in California, they did not know that they had a twin sister.  Watch the video on ABC Good Morning America. 
Such a wonderful story!

"Search and reunion are not the point. This is an issue of equality”

"Search and reunion are not the point. This is an issue of equality” ....So eloquently quoted by Kimberly Paglino of Upper Freehold, an adopted adult who was present at the NJ Assembly Human Services Committee yesterday where the bill (A1259) was approved. This bill will allow adult adopted individuals access to their original birth certificate.

I am happy this bill got approved again...and thank you to NJ Care for all your time and effort put into supporting and promoting this bill for adopted individuals. However, the bill still needs to go further to the Senate and then again to the Governor. Lets hope Christie will not veto it this time. 

Read the full article here:  Bill opening birth records for adoptees approved by NJ Assembly panel

Kay Jewelers Adoption commercial...mixed feelings...

I saw all the posts yesterday about the outrage on both sides concerning the response to Kay Jeweler's commercial featuring Adoption as a way to promote their jewelry, ...and, I needed a good nights sleep to really think about this one before I posted as well from an adoptee perspective.  I can see how many are upset that Kay Jewelers was being highly insensitive to all parties involved in the Adoption Triad. The grieving birthmother was not portrayed nor was the confusion and sense of loss the infant is surely feeling on an emotional level, even at such a tender young age. Yes, the commercial fulfills all the stereotypes of Adoption and makes it appear as if a couple simply shows up at the Adoption Agency and picks up their new baby while commemorating the event with a new charm. The commercial is all about the Adoptive Parents and making them happy...as usual.

But the funny thing is, this is exactly what happened in my personal tale of my adoption.  I still have to this day my mother's charm bracelet (they were popular in the 1960's) that contained all the precious moments of her life like her birthday pendant, one for her marriage, one for her sisters, her graduation, and yes, there is also the "Mom" one she received after she adopted my older brother in 1962.  Seeing that charm over the years always made me feel happy.  After all she is my Mom.  I know I have another one, the one who gave birth to me but this is the one I know really well and this is the one who is filling the role of my Mom. And I am glad that my Mom received that charm for her bracelet probably in the same way that is depicted in that Kay commercial.  Is is wrong for me not to be upset by the commercial?  Maybe yes, maybe no.

Adoption has many problems and many birthmothers are exploited along with their babies but sometimes a mother still decides not to keep her baby, even without being exploited.  My mother did not want the responsibility at that time of raising a baby.  Was she exploited?  I'm not sure if she was or wasn't.  It was socially unacceptable to raise a baby by yourself in the 1960's...so yes maybe society did steer her in the adoption direction.  Was she sad, yes, she was extremely sad.  She was sad for 23 years until the day I went and found her.  She is no longer sad now that we have a relationship.  But I know she, along with me, is happy that my Mom was there to raise me and I know my birthmother would not be upset that my Mom received a charm to commemorate the event of becoming a mother. If anything, she is glad that I was loved by a caring family. I only think she would have loved to able to have seen me over my younger years, an occasional letter or visit would have been nice. I don't think the "Mom" charm would have upset her though, if anything she felt good to know that the woman caring for me was proud to be my Mom.

We should not be focusing on what  Kay failed to depict in their commercials, after all, commercials are designed to sell, not to educate you about an issue. What I would rather educate people about is the fact that the secrecy in Adoptions still exist.  I still cannot access my own legal records pertaining to my birth, something that every other adult who is not adopted has access to. This, not the commercial, upsets me as the adopted individual in the adoption triad.

NJ Adoptee Birthright Bill Latest News!

Monday, January 27^th
Adoption Hearing was heard before the Senate Human Services Committee
The Birthright Bill was heard before the committee, and it was voted out of committee-- 9-0. It will be sent to the full Senate for a vote. 

Click here to read NJ.com news article

Let's hope Christie passes it this time!

Bill giving adoptees their birth certificates passes N.J. Senate panel

I was moved after reading about NJ Senator Allen's apology to adult adoptees before she voted in favor of the bill to allow adult adoptees access to their own original information. She said, "It's a civil rights issue and it's appalling to me we treat people this poorly.  We have made them a separate class, an inferior class, because they were adopted. How absurd is that?"
To read the full article click here.
Now we need Gov. Christie to approve it!

The Open-Hearted Way To Open Adoption Book Tour

Even though open adoption was practically non-existent at the time of my birth (circa 1960's), this is the book I wish my parents had had when they adopted me and my two brothers.  Lori not only writes about the why's and how's of entering into an Open Adoption arrangement, but she also seamlessly gives wise sage advice throughout each and every page of this book.  Advice such as keeping the child's well-being as a focal point, viewing adoption as problem-solving for all within the triad, and explaining that which we resist persists. 

These may be simple statements, but when this advice is applied to how you deal with your child's adoption status, whether open or closed, a very big impact for the well-being of not only the child but for the entire family is made.

This book also has plenty of real adoption experiences often presented as a vignette. These views into the lives of Lori's children, their birth-parents and other families touched by adoption allows us to see and feel Lori's advice in action. The reader is gently reminded of the benefits of letting go of fear and accepting the people who are important to the one's whom we love, including our children. We know we should be honest and truthful and we also know we should treat others in the same way we wish to be treated (aka: the golden rule). Sometimes we just need to be reminded about these things and Lori's book, The Open-Hearted Way To Open Adoption, does just that.

When it comes to our children, how could we not love the people who brought them into this world?  How could we not also want to maintain contact with them in order to ensure our child is complete?  Lori tells us that it is okay and even necessary to provide this type of contact with the birth families for our children's healthy emotional development.

I took away so many things from this book.  One of my favorites is the school Genealogy Project advice.  Not only did I encounter this problem growing up, (being told by my teacher to pretend that I had the same nationalities as my adoptive parents) but when it came time for my children to do their own Genealogy project at school, they wanted to include all four sides to their family tree even though their teacher said the chart wouldn't allow them to do so.  Lori gives many different options on how one might navigate through these type of issues that arise when there is extended family.

Another favorite of mine is Lori's story about her son and how he answered his peer's question about why he didn't look like his Mom.  He stated, "That's cause she adopted me."   I always used to say "Because I'm adopted" to these types of questions and Lori is so right:  it's a subtle difference but I never liked the way it defined me as being different just because someone else gave birth to me. Yes, adoption should be a verb and should describe what happened instead of who a person is.

There are endless scenarios one may encounter with open adoption and over and over again the advice and examples given guide the reader to "create the right mind-set and heart-set" in which answers can be found.  This book gives you the necessary tools that will guide you to come to your own answers.

Not an easy task...

"Calm...Center...Open...Breathe...Listen...Assess..."

Yes, Lori wonderful advice!  Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, your open adoption how-to guide and your beautiful adoption experiences with us.

Now on to the discussion questions.

"Holden encourages adopted parents to embrace an 'and/both' mindset instead of 'either/or' thinking, through a careful process of fostering connections of an adopted child to both first parents and adopted parents. Why do you think this approach helps a child "grow up whole?"

As an adopted individual who grew up with the 'either/or' mentality, I feel I can give light to this question as it pertained to my emotional development throughout my formative years and beyond.  I was not permitted to know any information about my original parents.  I did not know their nationalities, their hair or eye color, their names, or even the reasons why they decided to relinquishment custody.  My birth parents were phantoms to me and the lack of knowledge compelled me to wonder quite frequently and to long to know anything about them.  The lack of information represented a piece of me that was missing. I was not complete because I did not know my own history. I was only allowed to know my adoptive family (either/or mentality). If I asked about my origins I was made to feel guilty for wanting to know anything about them, it was seen as an insult to my parents, by them and by others.  How could I possibly want to know anything about them when they gave me away? 

Ever wonder why history is a main subject throughout school?  Knowing where you came from and the circumstances of your birth is history, personal history and it is the same as knowing the details of your own particular culture and their history which helps form your identity. Everyone is interested in their own history and most people love to hear how they inherited their blue eyes from Grandma or their red hair from their father.  I could never boast about these attributes and felt left out whenever the family got together for holidays or a new cousin was born where the topic always came up of who looks like whom in the family.

Unless you've been there, like I have (and other adopted individuals), you have no idea how alienated this makes you feel and how it separates you once again that you are different from your own family. 

Lori's notion of 'and/both' simply means that it is okay and beneficial to the child to acknowledge that there are two sets of parents.  The set she/he lives with are her/his Mom and Dad and the other set are the ones who were the original parents but were unable to parent at the time.  Both are important in there own special way.  The original parents are not going to "parent" the child, but they are going to be in contact in order to provide a connection for all parties involved.  Everyone wins when you include and don't exclude or as Lori says having a 'and/both' mentality which focuses on abundance. 

How does everyone win? 
The child benefits from this perspective ('and/both') because he/she doesn't have to wonder or worry about who the original parents were and why they decided not to parent.  It's okay for them to know the details about their own birth history and therefore, their self-esteem remains intact.  Everyone knows what creative imaginations children have and the many scenarios they will conjure up about why they were given up for adoption when they don't know any of their own information!  With information and contact, the child gets to see exactly where they got their red hair from, etc...and thus their identity is aided in forming properly.

The original parents benefit because they get to see how happy their child is in their new family.  I know my birth-mother became depressed every year around the time of my birth because she was so worried about my well-being, she had no idea if I was dead or alive. 

And the adoptive parents benefit because their child will grow up knowing and feeling a connection to their original family and will never have issues relating to their identity.  It will give the parents comfort also that their child will have much more time and energy to focus their thoughts on other matters such as school work, sports, hanging out with friends and good old fashioned family time.  I think back to the hours spent wasted wondering and worrying about my origins.  I know I wouldn't want my own child to feel incomplete and to wonder with no answers to questions that everyone should be provided with.  Parents want their children to be happy, whole and loved and if providing them with periodic contact to their origins prevents self-esteem and other emotional issues, then I am sure all Adoptive Parents will want to be on board to provide this for their children.

 

In most of the cases that Lori describes, including her own relationship with Crystal, most of the contact occurs between the birth mother and the adoptive mother. To what extent do you see the mothers as the gatekeepers of contact for their respective families?

Women, in general, are the gatekeepers of contact within their own respective family, whether that family is formed from adoption or not.  I think this is a cultural phenomenon that exists throughout the world.  Women have typically taken on the nurturing type role.  They decide on the majority of the issues related to the health and well-being of the family including diet, clothing, healing and emotional support.  It's no wonder then that when it comes time to arrange open adoptions that it will primarily be the women who will take charge and coordinate the logistics of how to maintain a healthy relationship for the child between the birth and adoptive families.


It has been my pleasure to read Lori's book and to participate in this tour.
Please return to the main post to read more opinions on Lori Holden's The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption

My Grandma

With Mothers Day just around the corner it felt right to acknowledge the important role Grandmothers play in our lives.  I was lucky enough to always have my Grandmother living close-by so there are so many memories of wonderful afternoons we spent together drinking tea in her living room as well as the many hours she would spend telling me stories of how life was back in the good ol' days. She loved to talk and she especially loved the fact that she had 21 grandchildren in total!  She is dearly missed here by all.
Here is a photo of me and my Grandma in 1988.

Many thanks to all the participants in the Book Tour

This has been the very first book tour that I followed and all I have to say is Wow!  What a wonderful diverse group of participants from the many aspects of the "Adoption Mosaic".  I have gained insight by reading your comments and views on your blogs about your reactions to my story and about the various universal issues that were brought up that touches each and every one of us no matter where we are situated within the mosaic.  There are still comments popping up on the various blog sites and it makes me feel so good that we are "talking" about these issues today instead of sweeping them beneath the carpet which was commonplace in years past.  I look forward to participating in future tours myself and hope to see you all along the way,
Blessings, Anne